Flychologist.com

A few of the things I hear a lot while doing my flychologist thing, is that when it comes to relationships gone wrong “He/She caught feelings,” “We weren’t really together,” “They started wanting to get serious,” and ” It got weird.” That level of jibber jabber only used to come out the mouths of players, but now it’s even women speaking this nonsense. First off, it needs to be said that no one should take someone catching feelings for them for granted, that’s why I called it jibber jabber. I don’t think you guys and girls realize how stupid you sound when you say that bullshit. You’re basically saying “Somebody actually enjoyed everything about me, not just the physical parts, so I got as far away from them as possible to try and find someone who just wants the physical.” It translates into “I just want to be a hoe and they were trying to tie me down.” Now you understand why it sounds especially bad when women say it. As for men, boys will be boys, you know its a infamous double standard and all.

Anyways let us dig deeper into why feelings get caught in situations where they aren’t supposed to. Actually lets not because it’s really not that complicated. Feelings will always be there. You can’t have physical relations void of any feelings because it doesn’t get anymore ‘feelable’ than one body going into another body. But how do you keep the feeling levels from jumping to catastrophic levels? Simple, don’t do shit that brings about emotional feelings. Right now you’re saying to yourself “no shit bruh, we know that” and you probably do. But do you know what brings out emotional feelings outside of the obvious? Oh you don’t? Well let me learn you right quick.

Unnecessary Touching – When relationships go south you always miss the other persons touch, but this ain’t one of those types of ‘ships though. This is friends with benefits, you two should be dapping each other up like yourl team just won a game of pick up basketball in the park against some young kids who were calling y’all old. None of those lingering hugs where perfume and body essences can be smelled and remembered. Save that for the sex, friends with benefits should be high fiving.
Unnecessary Time Together – You two shouldn’t be spending anytime together outside of having sex together. Shit makes memories and memories makes feelings. You know what you call two people that have had sex and go out to places with each other? A date. Yes a date and I don’t think I need to explain why dates are bad when you’re trying to just be friends with ‘fits. You two should be leading completely seperate lives outside of the whole sex thing. You going the same place? Meet each other there or get head on the drive there to keep it about the sex. You don’t need no memories of you two jamming to the radio in the whip. Yeah I know gas cost more than your car payment but so what? Catching feelings can cost way more than gas.

Sharing – Picture this. After that long passionate sex bout with your friend with ‘fits. You need to replenish some electrolytes and rehydrate. So you roll to the fridge and grab a water/soda/ gatorade, etc. Then you come back to the room gulping it down as your also thirsty friend with ‘fits looks at you and reaches for your drink and you pass it to them like two alcoholics sharing a forty ounce. No,No,No. Sharing shit creates a bridge of feelings you don’t need. I still remember the names of people I shared popsicles with in 1st grade. You only got one bottle of whatever? Drink that shit in the kitchen and roll back to the room with a glass of tap water. Apply the same policy to food if it comes into play. Don’t split ANYTHING. Yeah that large fries is enough for two, but you really don’t need any lady and the tramp moments. Save those shits for real love.

Calls and Texting – This gets more people caught up then they realize. If you’re texting back and forth everyday, all week, you’re deeper in it then you want to believe. You think you’re just gonna send memes all day and put smiles on the other persons face and it ain’t gonna have any effect? You are fooling yourself straight up. First off, if you’re in constant contact with your friends with benefits everyday all week then congratulations on being in an unofficial relationship. Only boyfriends and girlfriends check in everyday. Your friend with ‘fits should be batman and your text should be the bat signal. You should put it out there and hope they respond to it. No long drawn out message, just one word answers. Usually the word is something like “sex?” or “tonight?” and the response should either be “yes” followed by a time and location or a “can’t”. Can’t should always be used in place of a no because can’t sounds more friendly. Never ask why if you get a can’t. Just reply with a “cool” or an “ok” to let them know you understand and keep it moving. Tomorrow is another day. Asking why will just redline the needle on the feel-o-meter and get you into personal things you don’t really need to know. Less info = Less feelings.

Lingering – This is a surefire way to get to get feelings. It’s like a mixture of all the other ways rolled into a burrito of feelings. People get lazy after sex, they want to rest and recuperate…wherever they are at. A couch, a kitchen table, a bed. It doesn’t matter, what matters is, is it your couch? Your kitchen table? Your bed? If the answer is no then you need to leave. After the sex is over you are officially intruding on your friends personal not being tied down time. The last thing you need to be doing if you’re trying to dodge feelings is getting comfortable. Yeah that bed feels like you’re in a cloud being carried by the hands of God, but you can’t stay there and in the back of your mind you know it. A wise man once told me ” Don’t ever sleep over and don’t ever let them sleep over. Once they sleep over they become real people with hopes and dreams, likes and dislikes. They’ll draw you in with info that you didn’t need to know. You’ll get caught up in them and next thing you know, you end up really liking them.” Truer words were never spoken. The longer you hang around someone you’re not trying to know the more you will know about them and if you’re the only person there for them to talk to they aren’t going to hesitate to tell you things. Especially after you just got all intimate with them. Next thing you know, bam! They are telling you their favorite skittle is the green one and coincidentally, your favorite skittle is the green one. Now you can’t eat a green skittle without thinking about “them” for a second or you think about how nice it would be to just lounge around and share green skittles together. None of those thoughts would exist if you or they didn’t hang out long enough to feel the need to confide that. The minute that sex is over you need to hot rag and hightail it out of there. Just find your pants and shirt and roll.

Enabling – Now that we’ve got all the things you shouldn’t do down, how are you gonna keep the other person from doing them too? By not enabling them. See this is where it starts and ends, by what you do when one of these infractions happen. Why does Lebron James travel three times a game, cause the refs don’t call it. Now when you watch the game and see it you don’t blame Lebron, you blame the ref for ignoring it. In your situation you are the ref and the other person is going to try to test you with violations of the rules. You let them get away with them once, they will most definitely try for twice. If you want to survive this lifestyle then you need to learn the phrase “That’s not how this works.” It’s your version of a referee whistle. Other person not leaving your bed afterwards? “That’s not how this works.” Other person invites you to their family cookout? “That’s not how this works.” Other person text you good morning? “That’s not how this works.” If they argue about the call then eject them just like a real ref, they’ll come back but they won’t try that same move again for a while. You mess around and don’t blow that whistle then you have no one to blame but yourself as you stare at your ceiling, bunched up on the edge of your bed because your friend with ‘fits is snoring, and their wild sleeping is keeping you up; or you’re the only person not smiling in a family photo with a bunch of people you just met thirty minutes ago, being disgusted by clearing your third “thinking about you!” , “my cat just did the funniest thing.” text notification. Like I said, If you don’t put a stop to it, then you’re enabling it and if you’re enabling it then you’re co-signing it.

So what do you d with the knowledge that was just bestowed upon to you? You could write it off like its not true but it’s real life happening everyday.People are out here losing friends with benefits at an alarming rate. What you should do is have a sitdown with your insignificant other and have them read this as you stare them down intently until they finish reading. When they finish reading, ask them do they understand what they just read. If they say no, make them read it over and over until they get it. If they say yes, shake hands like friends and have some casual adult activities to celebrate your new understanding of an old arrangement. Flychologist Out.